creepy shit my kid says

Yeah, me too, kid.
Yeah, me too, kid.

As a parent, I lose a lot of sleep over a lot of things: midnight feedings, kids rolling out of beds, how Walt could have done that to Jesse. But these are things we’ve all lost sleep over. In honor of the holiday, I am compelled to share with you some of the creepiest shit my kid has said that kept me up at night.

Two and a Half Years Ago…

It was a warm and sunny day, a day not much like today. Boogie and I were driving down the street, most likely on our way to Target to get yoga pants and wine, when we heard church bells chime in the distance.

From the backseat her tiny voice drifts, “Mommy, did you hear that? Those bells are how Jesus calls all of the lost souls together.”

Stunned, throat dry, I ask, “Um…where did you hear that?”

“Grandma told me.”

I can only silently drive on.

About a week or so later were at my In-Laws’ house. I casually sidle up to the counter, asking my Mother-in-Law, “So, did you tell Boogie that the church bells were Jesus’ way of calling all the lost souls together, or something?” Nervous laugh. “Because I’ve never heard that before.”

You could tell my Mother-in-Law saw just as little humor in the situation from the flat no, and the uncomfortable glance we share in silence.

Six/Seven Months Later…

“Mommy! Come here. There is something I have to show you.”

“What, Grace?”

“Do you see this map I am drawing? I am telling you now, the world is going to end one day. And everyone will have to find a new place to live. So this is the ladder everyone will have to use to get away from the earth and go up to the moon.”

Silence.

Two Weeks Ago…

Grace’s Pre-K class service project is “God’s Little Angels.” The kids are learning different ways to show God’s love in the community, and parents are given little paper angels on which we are to write the acts we’ve observed at home. The kids then get to read them for the class, then they are stuck to the wall. But still…

“Samuel, soon you are going to be one of God’s little angels.”

While I know of the project, my husband does not. Still, we both freeze – in silence, of course.

Now lets see if you can sleep tonight,

Mrs SmartyPants

nope.

Screw Ebola, there is something far more frightening spreading across this country. A pandemic is sprouting up right beneath our noses and it needs to be addressed immediately. There is a band of freaky ass clowns showing their freaky assed faces in cities all around the country.

These have been reports in Wasco, CA, Albuquerque, NM, Fishers, IN and Jacksonville, FL. Don’t correct me thinking I’m wrong, because in a situation like this you can rest assured I am right. And this means freaky-ass clowns have been confirmed to be walking about in more American cities than Ebola patients. Surely they are plotting murder, because there is *no other reason* for a clown to be just walking around unless they are planning to murder someone.

According to the CDC to get the Ebola you apparently have to go to some pretty extreme measures, like making out with a patient’s toothbrush or doing Pilates in their used gym clothes. One week ago I would have merrily joined a debate about the severity of the Ebola situation, but we have far more pressing issues on our hands now.

One does not simply ignore clowns with soulless eyes wandering around under the cover of darkness.

I once knew someone who peed in their pants one Halloween when confronted with a clown on stilts with a chainsaw, right here in the state of Missouri.

That person definitely wasn’t me, and she definitely wasn’t old enough to drink and vote when she wet her pants in front of a sizable crowd of friends and strangers.

Anyway….

There is a serious problem on our hands right now, people. It has less to do with fevers and diarrhea, and more to do with a dark and troubled soul that is not of Kardashian blood who wanders around shrouded behind a mask of makeup.

I once watched a documentary about a sewer clown in Derry, Maine who had razor sharp teeth and preyed on children. According to the research team in the film, the killer clown they were tracking was like the locusts and comes back on a fairly regular schedule. The last two documented appearances were 1957 and 1984.

It is now 2014. You do the math.

Nope.

Just nope.

Mrs SmartyPants