A Photo Commentary on Becoming A Mom

My supertastic sleuthing skills have unearthed yet another vast conspiracy perpetrated against new mothers everywhere: you do not necessarily lose weight when you breastfeed your spawns.

I couldn’t figure out why my little liposuction machine wasn’t “sucking the fat right outta me” like everyone who wanted me to breastfeed told me she would. I couldn’t unplug her and plug her back in like I do when my electronic equipment fails, and (again) I have been told there were no refunds or exchanges. So I was just left puzzled and feeling bait and switched by the baby raising industry.

Turns out that some ladies actually do have efficient little fat suckers that coo and smile while they attack their nipples, but there is a contingent (and I am including myself in this camp) who hang onto those fat cells for dear life while making milk for those little boobaholics. So, to solve this omg-the-scale-has-barely-budged-in-nearly-three-weeks issue I went to Borders to get this:

I resisted these:

omgcupcakes, and one even has the word sparkle in it's name...

and walked out with these:

I may be wrong, but I think that’s a pretty solid illustration that I am on the path to being a full-fledged Mom (minus the Mom jeans & holiday vests, but a Mom none the less).

Well, this coupled with the fact that I only blow dry and style my hair on special occasions now that Baby Monkey is here… and unfortunately a marathon breastfeeding session does not count as a special occasion at my house.