Knocked Up-I’ll Be More Fun When I Can Drink Again, Again

In the past few weeks Boogie turned two and got the news she was going to be a big sister. She was all “meh”

Well readers, I’ve done it again. I’ve gone and gotten myself all knocked up, and this time I have decided to make sure I am at my most plump and uncomfortable during the most scorching months of the year, as you do.

Not that this was primarily my doing. Nor, quite frankly, was it the result of a moment of complete mental clarity.  However, as I am ripping off the proverbial progeny band-aid, and putting the gag-worthy diapers and crusty fingers all up in my grill phase behind me on a faster time table than once thought, we couldn’t be happier.

I’ve made it to 16 weeks. That, my friends, is only 24 weeks away from margaritas with the girls courtesy of frozen breast milk and a stealthy get away in the night. And since I know you’re not counting, I’m due on October 25.

Speaking of the girls…I am very glad to say they are back. And since this is the last time we will be together, it will be very hard to convince me that my B-cup doesn’t make a fantastic push up bra at this stage in the game. I know where they are going after this, and we’re going to enjoy one another’s company more fully this go ’round.

May I reiterate that this is the last time we are doing “this”?

Last time we did “this”, my uncontrollable craving for square-shaped fast food burger patties coupled with my weakness for eating seven cupcakes in one sitting (they were angel food cake!) lead to a 20 lb weight gain by this stretch marked point. My crippling need for black bean burgers, peach flavored water, and apples this time not only has sent up a big, red WTF banner…but has also happily resulted in only 7 lbs of gain. But don’t be alarmed dear readers, I just celebrated that victory with two single-serving bags of sea salt kettle chips.

We’re in the painful process of converting Boogie’s playroom into a nursery, a prospect that is at once daunting and at the same time cause for celebration as I can justify packing away all of her toys with tiny pieces…for the safety of the new baby since the safety of the pads of my feet pale in comparison.

Being a parent of two, that’s like woah.

devil horns | mel

I Now Understand The Joy Of Giving Expecting Mommies Advice

A few weeks ago the Meiners clan got some very exciting news. There will be another one of us joining our ranks on or around May 4th. My SIL and BIL are expecting their first little hellion baby on the same day that our little hellion baby was due! I am quite comfortable with the fact that we are completely unqualified for this parenting thing (in fact if you get enough cherry vodka and Diet 7-Up in me I will make sure everyone in the room knows it), but I am quite confident they will make amazing parents.

How, you might be asking dear readers? Well, my SIL is on her game. In what can only prove to be the smart mommy move of the century she sent out an email to all of the moms she knows and got a lot of that expecting mommy advice over and done with in one fell swoop. (Editors note: she was probably just honestly trying to get some answers, but may not fully realize the military like precision with which she headed off a barrage of unsolicited advice). She may get more, but her questionnaire was epic, so I doubt it. It covered everything from what we wish we would have known to what the best registry items are. I now understand the joy with which other moms had lavished me with pointers and epiphanies during my pregnancy, but at the same time am all ‘Well, if she wants to know something she will definitely ask me.’ Epic.

My unsolicited advice for expecting moms? Copy and paste the email below, remove my answers and send this out into the world.

Q: What stroller do you recommend and why? Do you have this stroller?
A: We have the Gracco stroller and car seat combo and I am in love with it. The carseat fits into the stroller part, which makes it super handy for getting out and about, and the double umbrella for the stroller and car seat create a great curtain if Boogie wants to nap while we are out. I believe one type of gracco stroller was recalled recently because babies can slip down through the bottom, so with the ability to use the car seat until she is a little bigger I totally feel safe with it.

Q: What kind of car seat do you recommend and why? Do you have this car seat?
A: I have the Gracco Snugrider (I believe that’s the name of it). I actually registered for it because of the rating in the Baby Bargains book. I am super happy with it.

Q: Are there any baby books your recommend I read? Not pregnancy books – books on what to do when the little critter gets here.
A: I recommend Raising Your Spirited Child and How to Rase An Amazing Child the Montessori Way (I don’t take all of the recs like not putting the baby in a crib, but the basic principles of child independence and respect have served us well with Boogie 🙂 and I am a total Montessori evangelist). Also, I would recommend The Happiest Baby on the Block. It is written for colicky and tough babies and it worked wonders for us, so I would assume that it would be amazing for an non-colicky baby.

Q: What is one thing no one told you about pregnancy/labor/being a mom that you wish you would have known?
A: I wish someone would told me that since nursing was so hard the longer I continued it, the longer I was delaying bonding with Boogie. Everyone kept telling me nursing was the ultimate bonding experience… but it was the opposite for me because of the vitamin B12 deficiency**. I didn’t realize it was probably making things harder on her too.

TOP TEN MUST HAVE REGISTRY ITEMS
1. Baby Bjorn
2. Diaper Caddy basket that you can bring downstairs and use upstairs
3. Boppy Pillow
4. Diaper Bag with straps that attach to the stroller
5. Pack and Play
6. Sleep Sheep
7. Ipod docking station
8. Large blankets (bigger than receiving blankets) with a tight knit for tummy time
9. Swaddle Sacks (the most incredible thing to happen to mothers)
10. Mittens (because you are terrified to cut baby’s nails for a few weeks)

**I hated nursing with every bone in my body because when I would be in the middle of a session joints I didn’t even know existed would start aching like they were all ate up with arthritis. Turns out it wasn’t that I sucked (pun so awesomely intended) at nursing, I have a vitamin B12 deficiency. As much as I had prepared myself to stop nursing in the pre-baby days when it started sucking (pun so awesomely intended, again) I still had this incredible mommy guilt every time I would think about quitting, and continued even through the body wracking pain.

The Mister would be all, ‘I don’t think that’s right’ and I would be like, ‘I am probably just being a baby, because you know having a baby isn’t supposed to be comfortable.’ He would then be all, ‘Whatevs.’ And this conversation continued daily for three months until I finally asked a LLL person (who did not threaten to cut off my nipples if I didn’t use them, btw), and she recommended I ‘fess up to my doctor. My doctor said, “Yeah, your husband is right. That’s not right.” However, I will never repeat this conversation to The Mister because then I would forever be blessed with hearing even more unqualified medical theory from “Doctor Meiners.”  I can handle painful joints, but I don’t think I can handle that.

Also, I should have added items number 11 and 12 to her list: baby orajel and a gallon of wine for when they are teething.