The Dark Side of Twerking

Dear Boogie,

First, I am so glad you finally learned to read and have stopped yelling at me that “airplane” is spelled H-K-O-R-B before huffing off in frustration. I am glad you have moved past this, and you’ve finally caught up with all of those kids on Facebook whose parents complain about how annoying it is that their ten-month-old won’t stop reading the collected works of Aristotle aloud. I will also assume, that is if someone isn’t reading it to you, you’ve learned that licking the keys to the computer will not accomplish anything and are now using it the ways Steve Jobs and Bill Gates intended.

Now, what I really want to talk to you about is twerking. Like sexting in the past, this phrase has taken local news outlets by storm and it is being talked about at dinner tables everywhere. Since the twerk heard round the world on MTV’s Video Music Awards, we have all been exposed to twerking, and in the coming weeks newscasters will surely be doing in depth investigations on the affects of twerking in schools. But let me be the first to warn you: twerking is all fun and games until someone pulls a tongue muscle.

This may come as a shock to you, but at one time many people celebrated the catalogue of Miley Cyrus, but now the devastating effects of twerking on your family and on your potential career path have become clear. And, yes, your face will potentially get stuck like that if you keep doing it. It is a side effect that many people Miley Cyrus is living with every day, and when your friends invite you to a party I may not be there to stop you from twerking, so I can only beg you to think of the consequences.


Back in the day, before I did it in a mirror and saw the horrible reality of it, my friends and I used to partake in some light bumping and grinding while at a party or dance club.  I’m not proud to admit it, especially because I looked like a bonafide ass while doing it. This was in a more innocent time, before The Dougie and Gangnam Style became popular with the kids and before things got dangerous. But remember that a light shake of the booty is a gateway dance, and can only lead to harder dances, and yes, eventually twerking.

So, when you’re ready, let’s talk about twerking. I am probably in the pantry eating the last cupcake and crying silent tears of joy if if you want to find me. But know I am always here for you, even if you’ve twerked in the past we can get through this.



File This Under Things You Can’t Unsee

There are a multitude of things in life that you just wish you hadn’t seen, or heard.  Like diaper changes after pureed peas, or a spouse’s bodily functions, there are things that burns themselves onto your retinas.

This morning, as I powered through a very special hour of cardio, designed to undo the previous evening’s caloric sh*t-storm courtesy of a very special Girl Scout delivery, I happened to look up and catch a few moments of pure television gold. Unfortunately this television happened to be hanging just above the douchebag talking on the phone while peddling a stationary bike (or possibly pretending to talk while bike in oder to secure the piece of equipment with the best view of the spinning class going on just behind the glass). But I digress just because douchebag was my word-of-the-day.

Back to the story, behold… what I would like to file under things you just can’t unsee:

And for those blessed souls who can’t see this video, here is a screenshot because no one escapes this…

Kathie Lee was not talking during the capturing of this screenshot... I believe this may be her "I'm too sexy" face or something... sadly indicating that she thought this was sexy.

Ahhh, Kathie Lee, you’re a slightly less dangerous Charlie Sheen without the septum degradation. I would take issue with the fact that you still have a job even though you share a pharmacist with Paula, but seeing you each morning is like hanging out with a sorority girl on a bender without all of the messy side-effects.

However, I do take issue with the fact that, like Marisa Tomei, Kathie Lee is ruining my romanticized notions of hot, never-aging vampires.  Isn’t she supposed to be like *really* old?

Devil Horns | Melody