five truths about being married to my engineer husband

weddingpicThe Mister and I are celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary next month, and because he never does anything without exhaustively researching every minute detail, we were together for another three years before he proposed. While some would say the joke is on him as there are better boobs and better tempers to be had, to them I say ‘Behold the magnificence that is an easy sense of humor, and the alcohol tolerance of an Irish police captain. And quit being a hater.’

For better or worse, the last nine years have taught me to expect certain things from my engineer husband. That, my friends, is why when I tell someone what my husband does for a living I get a commiserating glance before a, ‘Girl, me, too,’ if they are an engineer’s spouse, too. It is also why when I add he is a third generation engineer I am greeted with raucous laughter. Engineers have a certain way of seeing and operating in the world, and here are the five truths I’ve learned in my time with The Mister:

  1. Stuck on Stupid is a Thing. – This phenomenon goes by other, prettier monikers like ‘being captivated by’ or ‘thoroughly exploring’ a subject. However, The Mister and I agreed long ago that once you’ve heard ‘stuck on stupid’ every other description pales in comparison. While the thorough examination of a topic, and subsequent exhaustive return to said topic, serves him well in his profession (and moth eradication), there are times I just want to crawl into the fetal position and beg for something else to talk about.
  2. Paid Professionals are for the Weak. – Master carpenter, plumber, and electrician he is not, but damn if he doesn’t get the job done right. Many people compliment me on how handy my husband is, and we have, in fact, saved thousands of dollars because of his ability to rebuild circuit boards, figure out complex machinery, or eradicate moths. However, if my life were “The Scottish Play” (sorry, the theater geek is strong with this one), a pneumatic drill would be our bloody dagger. Yes, it eventually gets done, and no, we don’t end up calling in the pros, but we will go without a wine fridge for three painfully long weeks until it is better than new. It is at once interesting and frustrating to see him get all A Beautiful Mind on some unsuspecting household item.
  3. There Is No Rest for the Precise. – The Mister’s job lives by precision, and that is why when we bought a swing set that made the egregious claim we could build it in 14 hours, it actually took 30+ hours. With a zillion pieces of wood, a gagillion screws, and an instruction booklet that make Ikea writers look like poet laureates, I am surprised there aren’t more play-equipment-assembly related homicides each summer. But lots of sweat, curse words, and design reinforcements later, our swing set will likely be the last standing monument to human kind after the zombie apocalypse.
  4. Research is the Refuge of… – May the god of seven help us if I switch paper towel brands without first reading the reviews, sharing the reviews, and comparison shopping between all stores that carry paper towels to make sure the decision is well advised. We have lost entire weekends to baby accoutrements, and months to furniture and appliances. These decisions, once made, are still not considered final until a postmortem evaluation of sale prices and features has been completed. Or until I am exhausted hearing about said a purchase and start doling out a stock response like, ‘no, I think our new coffee table is perfect. That microscopic nick from delivery that I can’t believe you even noticed gives it character.’ (See number one.) While it can be exhausting, we always get the best price for exactly what we want…which is good because I will likely never want to change paper towel brands again.
  5. But, So Help Me, He is my Yang. – If I am the left brain, he is the right brain. If I am too wordy, he is action driven. Picking his big ole brain is like navigating a subway system in a foreign country to me because he thinks so differently than I do, and I’m usually surprised by where we end up. He is why I named my blog, “Mrs SmartyPants,” and the reason why my favorite thing in the world is to sit on a porch with a bottle of wine and talk until obscene hours of the night. And, so far, seeing things so differently with him has been one helluva ride. He also doesn’t mind killing irrationally large spiders when I’d rather flee our home carrying with me only our photo albums and important documents, so he has that going for him.

We’ve completed our suburban action figure set, and there’s no turning this SUV around so he’s pretty much stuck with me and I with him. But, if I know The Mister, it’s a decision that has been dissected enough that if he’s still here, he’s probably not going anywhere.

Happy Anniversary, Mr SmartyPants.

Love,

Mrs SmartyPants

Five Years

Today is my five year wedding anniversary. The anniversary gift guides say this year is the “wood or silverware” anniversary. So, clearly, the romance is dead.

I could write a saccharine sweet blog post about how he’s a wonderful father and spouse. I could extoll the merits of his love for our family, or recount when we first met, fresh faced and ready to devour the world. I could reminisce about our firey courtship and how we were certain we could set the world on fire. Or I could talk about the stolen moments during our wedding when we snuck off to the stairwell to have a glass of champagne and just take a breath together.

I could post something overtly embarrassing on Facebook and tag myself in it, because no feeling is genuine unless and until you post it on Facebook with a little smiley face or heart.

Or I suppose I could buy him this:

I mean, come on, how does this say romance?
I mean, let’s be honest, how does this say romance more than it says I miss my parents’ 80’s flatware?

There are many things I could do. But ultimately, I am going to change out of yoga pants before he gets home, brush my teeth after finishing my coffee, and then schlep the kids to a family friendly restaurant. One where we won’t have to ask for our check when we order so we can escape quickly, and one where we will celebrate our first anniversary now that our family is complete.

seaside

It was very nice to meet you, Mister CosmosGirl,

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