creepy shit my kid says

Yeah, me too, kid.
Yeah, me too, kid.

As a parent, I lose a lot of sleep over a lot of things: midnight feedings, kids rolling out of beds, how Walt could have done that to Jesse. But these are things we’ve all lost sleep over. In honor of the holiday, I am compelled to share with you some of the creepiest shit my kid has said that kept me up at night.

Two and a Half Years Ago…

It was a warm and sunny day, a day not much like today. Boogie and I were driving down the street, most likely on our way to Target to get yoga pants and wine, when we heard church bells chime in the distance.

From the backseat her tiny voice drifts, “Mommy, did you hear that? Those bells are how Jesus calls all of the lost souls together.”

Stunned, throat dry, I ask, “Um…where did you hear that?”

“Grandma told me.”

I can only silently drive on.

About a week or so later were at my In-Laws’ house. I casually sidle up to the counter, asking my Mother-in-Law, “So, did you tell Boogie that the church bells were Jesus’ way of calling all the lost souls together, or something?” Nervous laugh. “Because I’ve never heard that before.”

You could tell my Mother-in-Law saw just as little humor in the situation from the flat no, and the uncomfortable glance we share in silence.

Six/Seven Months Later…

“Mommy! Come here. There is something I have to show you.”

“What, Grace?”

“Do you see this map I am drawing? I am telling you now, the world is going to end one day. And everyone will have to find a new place to live. So this is the ladder everyone will have to use to get away from the earth and go up to the moon.”

Silence.

Two Weeks Ago…

Grace’s Pre-K class service project is “God’s Little Angels.” The kids are learning different ways to show God’s love in the community, and parents are given little paper angels on which we are to write the acts we’ve observed at home. The kids then get to read them for the class, then they are stuck to the wall. But still…

“Samuel, soon you are going to be one of God’s little angels.”

While I know of the project, my husband does not. Still, we both freeze – in silence, of course.

Now lets see if you can sleep tonight,

Mrs SmartyPants