Screw Ebola, there is something far more frightening spreading across this country. A pandemic is sprouting up right beneath our noses and it needs to be addressed immediately. There is a band of freaky ass clowns showing their freaky assed faces in cities all around the country.
These have been reports in Wasco, CA, Albuquerque, NM, Fishers, IN and Jacksonville, FL. Don’t correct me thinking I’m wrong, because in a situation like this you can rest assured I am right. And this means freaky-ass clowns have been confirmed to be walking about in more American cities than Ebola patients. Surely they are plotting murder, because there is *no other reason* for a clown to be just walking around unless they are planning to murder someone.
According to the CDC to get the Ebola you apparently have to go to some pretty extreme measures, like making out with a patient’s toothbrush or doing Pilates in their used gym clothes. One week ago I would have merrily joined a debate about the severity of the Ebola situation, but we have far more pressing issues on our hands now.
One does not simply ignore clowns with soulless eyes wandering around under the cover of darkness.
I once knew someone who peed in their pants one Halloween when confronted with a clown on stilts with a chainsaw, right here in the state of Missouri.
That person definitely wasn’t me, and she definitely wasn’t old enough to drink and vote when she wet her pants in front of a sizable crowd of friends and strangers.
There is a serious problem on our hands right now, people. It has less to do with fevers and diarrhea, and more to do with a dark and troubled soul that is not of Kardashian blood who wanders around shrouded behind a mask of makeup.
I once watched a documentary about a sewer clown in Derry, Maine who had razor sharp teeth and preyed on children. According to the research team in the film, the killer clown they were tracking was like the locusts and comes back on a fairly regular schedule. The last two documented appearances were 1957 and 1984.
It is now 2014. You do the math.