There once was a little girl who had three teeth, and a fierce knack for drama. One day her mother got her out of bed and fed her a bottle. She finished the bottle and shortly thereafter began to scream like a banshee.
Her mother came racing into the living room wondering what possibly could be happening. Was the dog chewing off her leg? Had she accidentally swallowed the television? It sounded bad, and could only possibly be life or death.
When her mother arrived she found the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mother warned her that screaming wasn’t nice and scares people for no good reason. The little girl returned to her teething ring and went back to rolling around the living room like it was her job.
Later that morning the little girl’s mother brought her to the bookstore. She wasn’t due for a nap for an hour and a half, and still had three hours before her next bottle. The little girl’s mother handed the little girl her favorite stuffed animal and a pacifier to bring along with her, and they sang on the way to the store. When they entered they were both very calm and happy.
Shortly after passing through the doors to walk amongst the words of such creative geniuses as Palahniuk, Chabon, and Thompson the little girl screamed with such fierceness that even the pages of the books shuddered with concern. All of the little old ladies in the romance and cooking sections looked upon the little girl’s mother with such scorn that she probably would have burst into flames if they had their way.
The little girl’s mother bent down to comfort her, but when she looked, it turned out the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mother told her that screaming was not nice, and she should stop it before she ruins everyone’s morning at the bookstore.
Later that afternoon her mother got her up from her nap and gave her a fresh bottle. They played for a bit, and then her mother had to finish up some work for the day. As her mother sat typing away, the little girl let out another fearsome scream that echoed from the walls and caused the dog great concern.
The mother quickly put down her laptop and ran over to the little girl, but when she got there she found out the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mommy told her that she was getting sick of this screaming like a banshee crap, and warned her that if she continued to scream like that she wouldn’t believe her if someone really was trying to pull her fingernails off one-by-one.
The little girl continued to scream like that for the rest of the day. And the little girl’s mommy seriously considered putting her on a one-way flight to Russia with a note pinned to her lapel, but she continued to run to her with every dolphinesque noise she let out. Damn genetic programming.