I’ve got you babe (or maybe I’ve already embarrassed you baby?)

Tiny mittens? Check. Onesies with little hearts and self-referential sayings? Check. Diapers that fit on a bottom so teensy it can only be classified as adorable (well, until it unleashes it’s fury)? Check. Butt wipe warmer? Hell-to-the-no. Regardless of what the baby registry book handed out by the baby retailers says, if That Girl ends up perched on a bell tower I am fairly certain it won’t be because I used cold wipes to spick and span her arse. Then again, this is my first go at parenting and I could totally be wrong. Guard yourselves world.

The nursery is just about complete…

This is the baby palace that we have resisted turning into a plastic bubble... and lo the resistance was tough for one of us

We are just waiting for her bedding set to come off of backorder and actually arrive, but there again I don’t think her dust ruffle (or current lack thereof) will impede her development. Sure, the bedding will make it look all catalog-like, and somehow will make me feel a little closer to a fit mother, but that’s my deal.

With less than six weeks to go, we have outfitted the Meiners Manse with all the basics that we think Baby Monkey will need during her first few months with us… and if she really needs more we may strongly consider sending her back to whence she came. (Nice how I can whip out that infamous mother’s threat without batting a lash before she is even born, eh?)

We tried our hardest to make sure that it was just the essentials, ma’am. Instead of the super-swing-play-mobile-fun-town we picked up a simple travel swing- yes it has 5 speeds, but it isn’t so high-tech (or so crunk like a Toyota) that it can operate on it’s own. We passed on the changing table for a dresser with a changing pad on top. And I finally convinced The Mister that having a full-video baby monitor with infra-red technology, a dehumidifier, a humidifier, and an air purifier might be a bit of an overkill… and really creepy in a 1984 but with babies way. So he finally agreed to a simple audio monitor for when we are downstairs and she is sleeping, and picking up a $20 humidifier only if the doctor suggests when she gets her first sniffles.

All the marketing would suggest I am setting That Girl up for failure by not having a high chair that also teaches her sign language and plays show tunes every time she takes a dump, but I have to remain positive here. There are a few things that I think will make me a decent mom- while debatable, this is what helps me sleep at night.

  1. I don’t wear sweatpants out, and I don’t even own a pink velour sweatsuit.
  2. If I were to ever buy a minivan it would be because I am planning to turn it into an ironic, road-worthy drag racer.
  3. Chelsea Handler is funny in my opinion.
  4. I will not wear “mom jeans” under any circumstances. I plan to go from jeans and cute tops to gaudy jewelry and grandma muumuus when the age is appropriate (probably after she starts having her own children). I pledge that I will not dress like a country-craft-fair lady, and I will never buy a holiday themed knit sweater for any purpose other than a costume.

On the flip-side, I already have an inkling of how I am going to be sooooo embarrassing, too.

  1. I do not plan to retire my Facebook account- and yes, I will write on her wall all.the.time. (It will keep her from posting drunken pictures at the very least, right?)
  2. My Twilight obsession. It’s not going anywhere, and neither is her Team Edward pacifier.
  3. I am completely convinced that my dog and I have two-way communication, and we often sing songs together.

Looks like she is one lucky baby since the good list outweighs the bad… and no, I am not biased. Maybe by the time she is old enough to get all angsty they will have invented some type of invisibility cloak for moms that only reveals them when they aren’t being embarrassing. Look at how far baby technology has come, right?

4 thoughts on “I’ve got you babe (or maybe I’ve already embarrassed you baby?)

  1. Dude, a TE “bink” (ugh, I HATE that term, so of course I used it) and a mama who’ll watch Chelsea talk about her latest vodka-soaked adventure while breastfeeding? Sounds like the kind of madre I wish I’d had. That lil monkey just may survive adolescence with a hefty chunk of her self-esteem and humor intact. Nice prep work, Mel.

  2. My husband once suggested to me that we get a minivan and I nearly choked. Hell to the no.

    I also never got the wipe warmer, and the high chair went virtually unused w/ baby #2. She sat in a Bumbo on a chair at our dinner table w/ little trouble (of course I didn’t turn my back on her in it either, I’m not a total cheapskate idiot) and then graduated to a booster seat when the time was right. We also have one of those table clamp chairs that we could take to restaurants w/ us because often the in house high chairs are dis-gust-ing. But than again, those germs boost immunity, right?

    There are gadgets for their gadgets. Sounds like you have a decent outlook, get the things that are practical, and leave all the bling to the hypochondriacs with nothing better to do with their money. Your baby will be fine.

    P.S. I never used a wipe warmer either. If it was all that cold, I warmed it up in my hands for a second or two.

  3. “and really creepy in a 1984 but with babies way. ” Best single follow up line I think you’ve ever written!

    No where near having kids, but Nate has already said we’ll never own a minivan. Because I like to play devil’s advocate, conversations usually go like this:

    N: “We will never own a minivan.”
    A: “What if we have three kids?”
    N: “Your car has three seatbelts in the back.”
    A: “What if they are triplets? We can’t get three carseats in there at once.”
    N: “What are carseats?”

    I kid, I kid. But yeah, IF I had ever wanted a minivan, it ain’t happenin’.

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