Ooops… You’re not supposed to talk about that either?!

I have been struggling with writing this post for some time now- it isn’t a pretty topic. No, I am not going to go into a diatribe about hemorrhoids. Readers, you probably know by now that I have no qualms talking about some of the ugliest pregnancy “miracles.” Though hemorrhoids suck (and, like an idiot, I just found out my stubborn refusal to ditch the stilettos during pregnancy is actually more to blame than That Girl), the biggest thing that has been cramping my style is prenatal depression. *Gasp* yes, it actually does exist, and *gasp of gasps* pregnancy depression could actually be more common than its more famous sister, postpartum depression. But, who is admitting they are depressed when they are preggers? Well, for a while not this Momma, and not many other people either… Unless Google was in cahoots with all the pregnant ladies of the world, and decided to try to hide this whole thing from me when I wanted to find out if pregnancy depression was just a mythic, close cousin of unicorns or if what I was going through was real.

I started writing this post in January, then got all chicken and let it sit in my drafts folder. I texted and talked about it with a select few friends way back in November, then pretended I hadn’t said anything the next time I saw them. I even asked my doctor about it in September, and felt ashamed when she said This is the most exciting time of my life and I really shouldn’t be feeling this way… but to let her know if it gets worse. Really, the whole thing waxed and waned throughout the first eight months of my pregnancy, nothing too big to tackle. If I hauled my pregnant-patootey to the gym 3/4 days a week and got a daily nap it didn’t even rear its fat, little frowning raindrop head.  In fact, I felt like a million bucks even with it being a cold-ass winter.

So, why even bring it up, right? Well, a couple of reasons:

It's my blog, and I do what I want

The second reason being that a bigger baby and closer due date is seriously impeding my motivation and ability to get in those workouts. Add to that a still(?!) growing, aching belly and raging heartburn that would indicate I am preparing to birth a baby dragon that are seriously getting in the way of sleep of *any* kind. Stir in raging hormones, that little voice that keeps reminding me that labor isn’t that far away, and the fact that I am desperately aware that my silhouette looks more like an over-the-road truck driver’s with each passing day, and I am having a hard time faulting the knocked-up for being those fat, sad little raindrops.

Woah, Debbie-downer! Go ahead, look for your Xanax… I’ll be here when you get back. But seriously… what’s a girl to do when she can’t even knock back those sweet, pink-tinted vodka drinks and chain smoke Camels with the girls to help raise her spirits? Eating cupcakes and trolling the mall is decidedly too expensive and fattening, but an oh so tempting option at this point.

I done gone and did it again, all talking about pregnancy stuff you aren’t supposed to talk about. But, its not like they can revoke my vajayjay and kick me out of the “I grow people” club for sharing the dirty little secrets of pregnancy, right?

5 thoughts on “Ooops… You’re not supposed to talk about that either?!

  1. I think I had both pre-partum and post-partum depression. But I was ashamed of it (not to mention afraid that, as a contractor who at that time was responsible for buying her own health insurance, I might make myself less health insurable if I admitted to it). And didn’t ask for help. And I should have asked for help. And I should have told more people about it.

    Don’t feel bad about posting about it. I’m glad you posted about it. The sucky thing about being depressed is that being depressed makes you think no one will want to hear that you are depressed. But I want to hear – I’ve been through it myself! I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. It’s really hard, toward the end of pregnancy, dealing with the huge shift in your social life. I hope you can get out with friends soon, even if you’re only drinking water.

    (Also, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You are pregnant. There’s a difference.)

  2. Obviously, I have never been pregnant, but, I do have to say… at least you haven’t lost your sense of random humor. I mean, come on… that South Park character mid post? Classic Melody!

  3. You’re so not alone on that one and have no reason to feel ashamed. I was right there with you, girlie. We went through a miscarriage and 11 artificial inseminations to finally have a successful pregnancy and I spent most of it crying and not knowing WHY I was crying. I should have been so happy, but all I could do was feel sad.

    It’s a good thing you are opening up about it. We should all do our part to lift the stigma.

  4. I agree, thank you for your candid post. I truly believe there needs to be a paradigm shift in social consciousness about pregnancy. All of this fuzzy rhetoric needs to be debunked, and not in a callous manner, but rather a realistic and practical one. I have schizophrenic shifts from having euphoric days to being in tears because I miss my body & boozy social life and I still have 22 weeks to go before its over! Keep up the good work, it is greatly appreciated!

  5. I never had any of these feelings with my first pregnancy but this time I absolutely have all kinds of abortion thoughts, miscarriage, just plain I do not want to have another baby! Nothing seems to be right about it, I’m arguing all the time with the father, Im not happy like I should be, I don’t cry, I just get pissed off and want to end it all. No suicide thoughts. Just thoughts of I wish I weren’t pregnant. I don’t want to get fat! I don’t want to stop drinking with the girls. I hate that I can not smoke. I feel so horrible and even worse is that I feel horrible about these feelings. It’s a double edge sword! I hate the father just for being the father. I hate myself for allowing this to happen and for feeling like I do. I feel that God is going to burn me in Hell for these feelings about a blessing He bestowed upon us. I barely eat, Im always tired and I even take it out on my 3 year old. My patients for her pissing her self and just her being a 3 yr old is just not there at all. I feel selfish but dammit who the hell can just dictate that I should feel great about loosing my self all over again!

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