They’ll have to crane me out of there Gilbert Grape style

As much as I love my caffeine and nicotine, both went the way of the skinny jeans when I found out I was pregnant. Sure, I know plenty of women who smoked during their pregnancies (most of our mothers, just to name a few) who still had kick-ass kids that grew up to be healthy adults (me, you, us… just to name some names), but I decided that if I was going to gain all that damned baby weight I may as well gain the stop smoking weight while I was at it. Oh yeah, and do gooder things for my baby by quitting, too. That was about 20 good, meaty, nicotine-free pounds right there.

Add Baby Monkey Meiners – who apparently has an obsession with cupcakes and chocolate ’cause we all know it’s not me – and that deluxe hot tub she is hanging out in to the mix, and you have me – right now. It’s the first few days of month six and I have officially packed on 31 pounds.

ZOMG, yes I am actually sharing my baby weight gain with you dear readers. See, here’s the thing, I figure I can’t possibly be the only one who has gained this much baby weight, right? Damned crickets, I can’t hear myself type… Old wives tales (dude, how cool will it be when I get to be the old wife wearing the gaudy jewelry and telling all the tales?) go along the lines that yes, we do get matching momma and baby pink Converse, but the price I am paying is that she is making her space from east to west instead front to back. That’s cool, as long as all this business goes right back to whence it came.

Why of course she has pink Converse before she can walk; you didn't think I was a delinquent Mom, did ya?

As much as we doth protest, most of us of the baby-oven, boobie-equipped persuasion are being told from the time we hit puberty (and increasingly before) that size does matter. And while boobies must be Manga-hottie huge, those hips, waists, legs and booties better stay as close to pre-pubescent measurements as they possibly can. Then we are suddenly asked to throw all those years of skinny-doctrine out the window and bask in the big, old glory of it all? Well, pregnant ladies used to have the market cornered on ‘big is beautiful,’ but now we have celebrities that make it appear that being thin everywhere except your belly is normal during pregnancy. Might I say, Thanks for getting pregnant, Angelina – women around the world are thanking you for it… we’re just going it in our own, special way. That’s alright though, we don’t have to live with Mr & Mrs Smith on our IMDB pages and as a crucial part of the story we tell our grandchildren, so… er, ha?

There is a good reason that certain stages of pregnancy aren’t well documented, even in many celebs – it is damned near impossible to keep your figure while growing an entire, functioning human being in your stomach.  So while Angelina stays skinny and completes her Benetton ad, I am admitting to you that they may just have to come in with a crane to move me around when the delivery date approaches – despite my efforts in going to the gym four days a week and adding on that peggo-lady yoga class on Sundays. The doc says after 25lbs it isn’t all baby anymore, well yeah… it’s all those cupcakes the baby is eating!

OH! And for my Mom, who is probably the one who nominated this blog for the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers on Babble.com, you rawk. This post entitles you to one extremely obnoxious bit of parenting advice AND one laughing, ‘You deserve this.’

2 thoughts on “They’ll have to crane me out of there Gilbert Grape style

  1. One of my good friends just gained 50 pounds (she was a size two petite woman, so I always envy her). She lost 30 in the first three weeks after the birth of her son and the other twenty must be in her boobs because she looks great after six weeks of breast feeding. It is so hard to feel beautiful when your belly button is the size of a half dollar, but let’s hope it’ll be worth it. Keep enjoying those cupcakes while you can! 😉

  2. I voted for you! 🙂 And am sure you look fabulous! But yes, can remember those days. Andd now you make me want a cupcake. And I’m not even pregnant! 😉

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