Never Will I Ever…

Posted on November 15, 2011 | 7 Comments

Today at 3:15pm my heart stopped beating for a moment. Not only my heart, but the hearts of hundreds of mothers around the St. Louis area stopped, too. That’s when many of us began hearing that 18-month-old* Tyler Dasher, a little boy the same age as my Boogie, was taken from his crib in the middle of the night and the police were searching for him.

Bits of information, the color of his pajamas, his blanket, anything that might help the search began furiously circulating on social media and local news outlets.

I can’t tell you how many times I have awoken in a panic to find the clock reading 9:30am, realizing I didn’t wake up to Boogie’s special brand of  morning screeches.  It’s a parent’s worst nightmare-something happens in those few, vulnerable hours when you aren’t there to stop it. Call it new parent panic, or just being a parent, it’s the kind of thing that keeps you up at night.

Tears burned my eyes just a few hours later when I noticed updates about the case had stopped scrolling across the bottom of my screen. The SARAA alert had been called off. I dreaded every second I watched the screen as I hit rewind, finally seeing those last few scrolling sentences say they had identified the body found near the boy’s home as Tyler’s.

I grabbed Boogie tight, gave her as many kisses as I could until she head-butted the bridge of my nose nice and good, and decided this…

Never will I ever feel sorry for myself because I had to clean up your spilled cup of milk.

Never will I ever take for granted that you will be there when my work is through.

Never will I ever promise a moment to someone who won’t appreciate it the way you would.

Never will I ever feel it can’t get any worse when I can hear your giggles.

Never will I ever take one smile, one moment, one day for granted. Not as long as I am your mommy and you are my Boogie.

My gratitude mixes with pain as my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to the mother and family who are today facing their worst nightmare.

**Updated at 10:02pm, Tyler was actually 13-months-old at the time of his murder, not 18 months as I had originally read.

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Baby, It’s Hot Outside… Like Really Hot

Posted on June 7, 2011 | 1 Comment

Like taking ice cream from this baby...

I don’t mean to be all apocalyptic, but I also may or may not be hoarding food-stuffs in my basement.

What used to be welcome signs of the first tender days of summer, the quiet song of the cicada and the face-warming temperatures of late-Spring, have turned on everyone. They have become the deafening roar of horny, obscenely large bugs, and the sweltering stickiness that I usually associate with the end of summer, when my liver is so exhausted from patios and margaritas that it has chosen to travel alongside me on a skateboard.

We are only a few weeks into summer and it is shaping up to be about as appealing as eating a Blowpop while grooming a collie.

Because my uterus has essentially delivered up a tether to my front porch in the form of Boogie, I have been spending most of these sweltering days indoors. It is slowly becoming an elective quarantine though since the few occasions I’ve ventured out have done more to instill the fear in me than they have for curing my cabin fever.

Is there anything worse than taking ice cream from a baby, your baby no less, then being dive-bombed by a cicada as you are trying to stuff her very angry, very chubby little limbs into her car seat? Probably not. Unless of course you include that horny, obscenely large bug landing in the handle of your car door, and an entire restaurant watching as you roundhouse said door trying to scare it from its lazy landing spot. Or if you were to compound it with that awkward teen drive-thru worker who simply came out to offer assistance, probably at the beckoning of the lone patron who could breathe out a plea on your behalf in between laughs, only to be greeted with you screaming in his face like a banshee because he walked up too quietly behind you (the better to infiltrate that horny, obscenely large bug’s enemy lines of course).

Not that that would happen to anyone.

And we aren’t going to talk about how many times horny, obscenely large bugs have hitched a ride inside prompting you to strip off your pants, shirt or other assorted piece of clothing and throw it outside overnight.

Not that that would happen to anyone either.

Anyhow, I need to get back to buying canned goods and water… you know, not that storing food has anything to do with that earthquake that woke my arse up way too early this morning.

devil horns | melody

Photo credit: J Pollack Photography

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Babymania XXXVI-million

Posted on May 3, 2011 | 2 Comments

Me: Parties and doctors appointments are almost in the bag! I owned Boogies one-year-old birthday! I made Boogie’s first birthday my bitch! Grrrrrr! {ripping my shirt off and punching Vince McMahon in the face}

The Mister: I don’t know if you heard me ask it the other day, but what do you think about having another kid? They say two years separation is ideal.

Me: {Diamond Cutter}

Image credit: anorak.co.uk

Devil Horns | Melody

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Year One: Much Better Than The Movie

Posted on May 2, 2011 | 5 Comments

Hey man! Where's the party?

Dear Boogie,

One year ago you officially joined our family, though for many months pending your arrival you had been sharing your personal brand of zeal for life with my rib cage and lower back. It took 34 hours, but you finally came to us, covered in goo, with swollen cheeks and puffy little eyes, your button nose perfectly perched above your tiny little lips. We were so happy to meet you.

One year later you have grown so much, from a tiny little bundle of bones and fat rolls to a tiny little person, complete with a few more emotions outside of mad at the world, more sophisticated control of your extremities, an actual chin, knuckles that are more than just decorative dimples, and an inexplicable fondness for dog food.

I am convinced that this transition has indisputably proven your superior intelligence.

You are curious and fearless, as evidenced by your lack of concern for bodily harm. You are empathetic and loving, as we see with every slobbery kiss and concerned tilt of your head. You are every laugh and smile your Daddy and I ever shared together, on two marshmallow-man legs and with a set of killer lashes.

There are some days when I wouldn’t trade you for all the riches in the world, and others when I would for a stick of gum. And though I may spend the majority of my days just trying to keep you from getting crusty, I assure you that when I scrub your cheeks until they are raw it is not without all the love in my heart.

The last year has been somewhat akin to living with a perpetually drunk Japanese midget, but we have enjoyed every challenge and every finger that has inexplicably ended up in our nostrils and somewhere in the vicinity of our ocular nerves.

Tonight we are going to take you out on the town, stuff you full of black olive and mushroom pizza until you stop banging on your tray like a medieval king who isn’t afraid of gout. And as we tuck you into your bed, snuggled in with your rabbit, we will embark on year two with you, looking forward to the moment when you stop going peeing your pants every few hours and start letting us in on what all of those judgmental faces really mean.

With all the Love in our hearts,
Mommy and The Mister

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Desperately Seeking Hair Growth

Posted on March 26, 2011 | 3 Comments

I love my child and all her chubby little fingers and toes. However, I am becoming concerned about her baby-patterned baldness.

The problem is her hair is growing, just not on the top of her head.

Reenactment.

She is now rocking a skullet, which, regardless of what a bevy of middle aged men might have convinced themselves, does not flatter anyone or even remotely conceal the fact that they are balding.

Even bows are starting to look a little awkward at this point because they highlight the thick hair that is coming in from approximately the top of her ears down and the serious lack thereof from the ears to her forehead.

Because we would rather not judge her, and we also tend to be the “go all the way or go home” types, the Mister and I are considering giving her a tiny paneled van, a Led Zepplin tee, a couple of Creed CDs, and then dropping her off in the middle of Jefferson County.

Devil Horns | Melody

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Dog Food & Gratitude

Posted on March 11, 2011 | 1 Comment

Also, this happened. I guess at least I'm still technically keeping her off the pole...

There are many things in my life I am grateful for. At this moment it is that the ladies from Lipstick and Laundry weren’t here with their cameras rolling when my child ripped her pants off like a Chippendale, and then crammed a fist full of dog food into her mouth. The fact that she looks genuinely shocked when I tell her not to eat dog food has me not just a little worried.

The previously mentioned camera crew *will* be here in about an hour however to document the tumble weeds of dog hair that Boogie has not eaten (they are few and far between, but they exist), and if they are lucky they may even get a nice shot of Boogie passionately tounging her favorite outlet on the wall.

I should probably put away all of the clues as to how bad of a mother I really am (hide all yer remotez and shock collarz), toss around a few kid friendly CD’s and throw a wad of cookie dough in the oven to char while they are here. Instead, at this moment, I may or may not be considering throwing all of our dirty dishes and laundry in the trash can.

Devil Horns | Melody

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Posted in DomesticPants

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File This Under Things You Can’t Unsee

Posted on March 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

There are a multitude of things in life that you just wish you hadn’t seen, or heard.  Like diaper changes after pureed peas, or a spouse’s bodily functions, there are things that burns themselves onto your retinas.

This morning, as I powered through a very special hour of cardio, designed to undo the previous evening’s caloric sh*t-storm courtesy of a very special Girl Scout delivery, I happened to look up and catch a few moments of pure television gold. Unfortunately this television happened to be hanging just above the douchebag talking on the phone while peddling a stationary bike (or possibly pretending to talk while bike in oder to secure the piece of equipment with the best view of the spinning class going on just behind the glass). But I digress just because douchebag was my word-of-the-day.

Back to the story, behold… what I would like to file under things you just can’t unsee:

http://video.aol.com/video/kathie-lee-and-hoda-belly-dance-030411-tv-replay/1944280431

And for those blessed souls who can’t see this video, here is a screenshot because no one escapes this…

Kathie Lee was not talking during the capturing of this screenshot... I believe this may be her "I'm too sexy" face or something... sadly indicating that she thought this was sexy.

Ahhh, Kathie Lee, you’re a slightly less dangerous Charlie Sheen without the septum degradation. I would take issue with the fact that you still have a job even though you share a pharmacist with Paula, but seeing you each morning is like hanging out with a sorority girl on a bender without all of the messy side-effects.

However, I do take issue with the fact that, like Marisa Tomei, Kathie Lee is ruining my romanticized notions of hot, never-aging vampires.  Isn’t she supposed to be like *really* old?

Devil Horns | Melody

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