Monthly Archives: November 2010

What’d You Do With Your Turkey Leftovers? I BBQ’d Mine

Posted on November 29, 2010 | 4 Comments

Why did the turkey makers say on their package that an 18lb bird would only feed 10 people? It was lies I tell ya. All lies.

When my dinner for 12 ended up becoming one for 13 that damned package had me worried there wouldn’t be enough. However, those big fat liars, there was definitely enough… and there was more than a pound of turkey meat left over.

Starting with the turkey, I brined it over night, and then rubbed greek seasoning, two sticks of butter, and bread crumbs between the skin and meat before roasting. I also rubbed the outside with butter, put it in one of those cooking bags, and left it alone while it roasted. The meat tasted awesome-sauce, and to my knowledge no one became violently ill in the wake of eating it.

Being as it was my first Thanksgiving, and the turkey makers lied to me, I wasn’t prepared for what to do with the leftovers. It forced me to get creative because you can only eat so many turkey sandwiches before you get tired of slipping into a food coma after lunch. Here’s what I whipped up:

BBQ Leftover Turkey Sandwiches

Ingredients

  • 1+ pounds of turkey, off the bone and skin off
  • 1/2 can rootbeer
  • 1 tbsp liquid smoke
  • About 1/2 cup chicken stock
  • 1 bottle Sweet Baby Rays

Directions

  • Combine leftover turkey, rootbeer, liquid smoke, chicken stock, and BBQ sauce in slow cooker.
  • Cook for four hours on high.
  • Invite friends and family over to eat and watch the football game.
  • Serve with buns and beer.

I seriously am in love with this slow cooker BBQ recipe, and if you happen to try this and don’t like it, well, then I just don’t think I can know you.

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My Lesson in Acceptance and Thankfulness

Posted on November 24, 2010 | 4 Comments

The back-up plan, Image Credit: JonesSoda.com

This year I have doomed my family am hosting Thanksgiving at my house. I love a good party, however I do not have experience with, nor do I like the prospect of, disemboweling foul of any kind, so this should be interesting.

To put it nicely, I am not the biggest fan of my mother’s boyfriend. The myriad of reasons I will not get into here because I am fairly certain my mother is the only one who reads this anyway, so lets just leave it be for now. I figured that having all of my family over to my house and voluntarily getting elbows deep in turkey guts gave me the right to staunchly defend the sign I placed on my clubhouse door, scrawled in crayon no less, ‘no boys allowed, except this short list that doesn’t include my mom’s boyfriend’. (I figured excluding the Mister in our Thanksgiving festivities might put a chink in our marital armor, so he just made the cut.)

Yesterday afternoon I was high on my righteousness when my mom called and asked if I was sure the veritable ‘he’ couldn’t come with her. I could tell she was near tears as she pleaded her case, but I am ashamed to say I passed on the opportunity to repay her kindness in putting up with all of my obnoxious choices in men.

I told my mom I had to think about it and would let her know. My curt reply might not have meant much to my mother, but as I hung up I was ashamed with myself. How am I supposed to teach my own daughter to accept others when I walk into the other room and make my mom to beg me to be accepting of her choices? How is it that I could turn a family holiday into a soap box from which I call down my own mother, while expecting my own daughter to have respect for me? Damn babies, making you want to be a better you.

I called my mother that evening, I had wanted to tell her in an angry and resigned voice that I would set a place for her boyfriend if she really thought it was best for everyone that he joined us. The next morning, when I finally did talk to her, I had softened and extended the invitation in a more mild, and much more respectful manner than previously intended. I couldn’t help making it clear that it was only because I love her, and wanted to show that I have respect for her that I am putting together another place setting down. So, we have an even 12 who will be gathered around our table for tomorrow’s festivities because I am thankful for the family I have, and sometimes being thankful is about being humbled.

My first Turkey Day foray is teaching me why a calling to attend culinary school never came, but it is perhaps the humbling lesson in thankfulness and acceptance I had to embody for my daughter that I need to carry with me through the rest of the year.

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The Little Girl That Cried…

Posted on November 15, 2010 | 1 Comment

The Little Girl That Cried... A Lot

There once was a little girl who had three teeth, and a fierce knack for drama. One day her mother got her out of bed and fed her a bottle. She finished the bottle and shortly thereafter began to scream like a banshee.

Her mother came racing into the living room wondering what possibly could be happening. Was the dog chewing off her leg? Had she accidentally swallowed the television? It sounded bad, and could only possibly be life or death.

When her mother arrived she found the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mother warned her that screaming wasn’t nice and scares people for no good reason. The little girl returned to her teething ring and went back to rolling around the living room like it was her job.

Later that morning the little girl’s mother brought her to the bookstore. She wasn’t due for a nap for an hour and a half, and still had three hours before her next bottle. The little girl’s mother handed the little girl her favorite stuffed animal and a pacifier to bring along with her, and they sang on the way to the store. When they entered they were both very calm and happy.

Shortly after passing through the doors to walk amongst the words of such creative geniuses as Palahniuk, Chabon, and Thompson the little girl screamed with such fierceness that even the pages of the books shuddered with concern. All of the little old ladies in the romance and cooking sections looked upon the little girl’s mother with such scorn that she probably would have burst into flames if they had their way.

The little girl’s mother bent down to comfort her, but when she looked, it turned out the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mother told her that screaming was not nice, and she should stop it before she ruins everyone’s morning at the bookstore.

Later that afternoon her mother got her up from her nap and gave her a fresh bottle. They played for a bit, and then her mother had to finish up some work for the day. As her mother sat typing away, the little girl let out another fearsome scream that echoed from the walls and caused the dog great concern.

The mother quickly put down her laptop and ran over to the little girl, but when she got there she found out the little girl was just bored. The little girl’s mommy told her that she was getting sick of this screaming like a banshee crap, and warned her that if she continued to scream like that she wouldn’t believe her if someone really was trying to pull her fingernails off one-by-one.

The little girl continued to scream like that for the rest of the day. And the little girl’s mommy seriously considered putting her on a one-way flight to Russia with a note pinned to her lapel, but she continued to run to her with every dolphinesque noise she let out. Damn genetic programming.

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I Now Understand The Joy Of Giving Expecting Mommies Advice

Posted on November 11, 2010 | Leave a comment

A few weeks ago the Meiners clan got some very exciting news. There will be another one of us joining our ranks on or around May 4th. My SIL and BIL are expecting their first little hellion baby on the same day that our little hellion baby was due! I am quite comfortable with the fact that we are completely unqualified for this parenting thing (in fact if you get enough cherry vodka and Diet 7-Up in me I will make sure everyone in the room knows it), but I am quite confident they will make amazing parents.

How, you might be asking dear readers? Well, my SIL is on her game. In what can only prove to be the smart mommy move of the century she sent out an email to all of the moms she knows and got a lot of that expecting mommy advice over and done with in one fell swoop. (Editors note: she was probably just honestly trying to get some answers, but may not fully realize the military like precision with which she headed off a barrage of unsolicited advice). She may get more, but her questionnaire was epic, so I doubt it. It covered everything from what we wish we would have known to what the best registry items are. I now understand the joy with which other moms had lavished me with pointers and epiphanies during my pregnancy, but at the same time am all ‘Well, if she wants to know something she will definitely ask me.’ Epic.

My unsolicited advice for expecting moms? Copy and paste the email below, remove my answers and send this out into the world.

Q: What stroller do you recommend and why? Do you have this stroller?
A: We have the Gracco stroller and car seat combo and I am in love with it. The carseat fits into the stroller part, which makes it super handy for getting out and about, and the double umbrella for the stroller and car seat create a great curtain if Boogie wants to nap while we are out. I believe one type of gracco stroller was recalled recently because babies can slip down through the bottom, so with the ability to use the car seat until she is a little bigger I totally feel safe with it.

Q: What kind of car seat do you recommend and why? Do you have this car seat?
A: I have the Gracco Snugrider (I believe that’s the name of it). I actually registered for it because of the rating in the Baby Bargains book. I am super happy with it.

Q: Are there any baby books your recommend I read? Not pregnancy books – books on what to do when the little critter gets here.
A: I recommend Raising Your Spirited Child and How to Rase An Amazing Child the Montessori Way (I don’t take all of the recs like not putting the baby in a crib, but the basic principles of child independence and respect have served us well with Boogie :) and I am a total Montessori evangelist). Also, I would recommend The Happiest Baby on the Block. It is written for colicky and tough babies and it worked wonders for us, so I would assume that it would be amazing for an non-colicky baby.

Q: What is one thing no one told you about pregnancy/labor/being a mom that you wish you would have known?
A: I wish someone would told me that since nursing was so hard the longer I continued it, the longer I was delaying bonding with Boogie. Everyone kept telling me nursing was the ultimate bonding experience… but it was the opposite for me because of the vitamin B12 deficiency**. I didn’t realize it was probably making things harder on her too.

TOP TEN MUST HAVE REGISTRY ITEMS
1. Baby Bjorn
2. Diaper Caddy basket that you can bring downstairs and use upstairs
3. Boppy Pillow
4. Diaper Bag with straps that attach to the stroller
5. Pack and Play
6. Sleep Sheep
7. Ipod docking station
8. Large blankets (bigger than receiving blankets) with a tight knit for tummy time
9. Swaddle Sacks (the most incredible thing to happen to mothers)
10. Mittens (because you are terrified to cut baby’s nails for a few weeks)

**I hated nursing with every bone in my body because when I would be in the middle of a session joints I didn’t even know existed would start aching like they were all ate up with arthritis. Turns out it wasn’t that I sucked (pun so awesomely intended) at nursing, I have a vitamin B12 deficiency. As much as I had prepared myself to stop nursing in the pre-baby days when it started sucking (pun so awesomely intended, again) I still had this incredible mommy guilt every time I would think about quitting, and continued even through the body wracking pain.

The Mister would be all, ‘I don’t think that’s right’ and I would be like, ‘I am probably just being a baby, because you know having a baby isn’t supposed to be comfortable.’ He would then be all, ‘Whatevs.’ And this conversation continued daily for three months until I finally asked a LLL person (who did not threaten to cut off my nipples if I didn’t use them, btw), and she recommended I ‘fess up to my doctor. My doctor said, “Yeah, your husband is right. That’s not right.” However, I will never repeat this conversation to The Mister because then I would forever be blessed with hearing even more unqualified medical theory from “Doctor Meiners.”  I can handle painful joints, but I don’t think I can handle that.

Also, I should have added items number 11 and 12 to her list: baby orajel and a gallon of wine for when they are teething.

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I’m Not Even Sure What This Says About My Parenting Skills

Posted on November 9, 2010 | 9 Comments

In an effort to minimize the naturally occurring damage that will result from having me as a parent, I decided to sign Boogie up for a couple of mommy and me type classes. Yesterday we started a class called “Move and Groove,” which I signed us up for somehow thinking it was appropriate for a six-month-old who can neither move nor groove without being manipulated like a chubby marionette (which, of course, she hates). I thought it was a music class… reading fail FTL.

Before spending an entire hour trying everything I could to keep Boogie from hysterically crying or slurping the snot off of every toy that was placed in front of her, I went into the room and said hello to a few mothers that were sitting near me. You aren’t going to believe this dear readers, or maybe you will because ya’ll are much more intuitive than I am, but not a single one of them responded. If I hadn’t been suffering from the still lingering effects of a hangover from Saturday night I would have believed I was in the Sixth Sense, but with babies and more audio dissonance.

This isn’t the first time I have been completely ignored by the child-rearing types in my new home town. During the annual Halloween Walk I smiled and nodded at a few moms and simply got blank stares in return. (Which I guess is better than them recoiling in horror?) Now, in their defense I may have been smiling and nodding at the same person over, and over, and over again because either a) there is a ginormous family of blonde, waifishly thin mothers with skinny noses, high cheekbones, and fair skin who all are about the same age and happen to have children 2) there is some Stepford shit going on or c) there is one mom who changes clothing every fifteen minutes running around up in here, and I smiled at her way too many times during the Walk. If it turns out the answer is C than I wouldn’t have smiled back at me either.

Last night The Mister asked how our first day of class was, and I tell him it happened again- not a single mom acknowledged my hello… and I even said it out loud this time. The Mister asks, ‘Were they all older then you?’ I’m all ‘Yeah’, and he is all ‘There you go.’ Something called me away from the conversation so I wasn’t able to ask him the two key questions that all of you are pondering now, ‘What the hell does that mean?’ and ‘How the hell would he even know to guess that?’

So pretty much all of the neighbor moms don’t like me, The Mister knows why, I don’t, and I’m not really sure what that says about my parenting skills. And lawd have mercy on my troubled soul, when did I start needing approval from anyone other than my good friends, vodka, and nicotine?

This might have been where things started going wrong... I'm not ashamed to admit it.

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